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Thursday, September 18, 2003
15 sept. 03

..... hello, dr. gomez, sorry i am running late for my 2pm appointment, but i am already on my way, can you still accomodate me? - - - by all means, mel - i will wait for u.

..... hi doc, sorry i was late, too much things going on at the house that i have to take care of. (sit in the dental chair - aray and exams)" what is the problem this time mel"?, i cannot sleep with this pain in my jaw and now the molar on the left side is bothering me. - -" i wanted to tell you, mel - - that your TMJ(temporo madivular jaw) or( athrithis of the jaw bone) is acting up again. i cannot extract the no 18 molar on the left side of the jaw. it has already given lots of problem with the gum and an oral surgeon is the only one who cud remedy the problem."

----- another sakit again. what is wrong with this body of mine. is it the process of getting old? have i been a bad person when i was growing up that is the reason for all this pain? was i a bad son to my parents? what is next?

..... hi bel! i pass by to pick up the results of my blood chemistry last friday 12sept. "sorry mel, dr. shah has strict orders that if you pass by, you have to see him." is it something bad? am i going to have another dreadful sickness to carry on for the rest of my life? "sorry, mel-- only the doctor can explain and answer those questions for you. (heart beating faster again)"

..... so what's up doc? "mr delos santos, i would like to tell you that your prostate gland has a slight problem, but we can remedy that with the medications that i gave you. we will observe you for one month while taking all those medications. and then you have to see me again -----
by the way, i am setting you for a three hours glucose test. if you have fasted already we cud begin it, but since this is not an appointment meeting with you, you can tell bel to make the arrangements and appointment tomorrow."

..... so bel, dr shah said i have to have this three hour glucose test. "yes, mel... you have to fast tonite ..no eating after midnite and two hours before coming over for the exams...see to it that you prepare yourself by doing your own enema."(aray)

----- oh God, what is this again...shud i be afraid of it?
(crying and crying)

..... honey, these are the things the doctor said and these are the things that i have to prepare myself with for tomorrow.( i was driving the car at the forest preserve with my wife, i stopped the car and cried like a little boy. i asked my wife, what will happen to me if she wont be around to look after me..."what will be life without your patience and understanding , honey", "i want to grow old with you, i want you to be the one to close my eyes when its time, i want you to be with me all of the time when all these things are happening in one heavy load on my shouldre"..."honey, you have to fight it out, its mind over illness"...then we just hold hands and i know my wife is crying, but she does not want to show it to me.

..... hi, i have a 10:30 am appmnt. for glucose test. "sir, did you fast and did you do your own enema?" yes i did(in a very low voice and very tired tone)"these are the things that we have to do to you, sir.....

1. you have to drink this whole bottle, dont stop until you have finished the whole bottle. then,

2. we will draw blood from you at 10:45am...after that we will give you a time clock, we will be withdrawing blood from you four times, in an hourly interval.

..... nurse, you cannot take the blood from that vein, none of the nurses have taken any blod from there. "we can get it from your hands, sir using this butterfly needle, but it will hurt a lot...is that okey with you?" it's okey with me, i will not look at it, i am chicken when it comes to needles.

----- walking at the park besides the SWEDISH COVENANT HOSPITAL, waiting for the next needle point gave me some time to think. the weather is nice, not many people in the park, only me and one solitary jogger.

----- oh GOD, will this be a check and balance between YOU and me.?is sufering the part of the agenda for those who follow YOU and belive in YOU???

so i wrote a poem at the park bench for GOD......

+ when YOU gave me these hands,
i touched YOU not;

+when YOU gave me these eyes,
i saw YOU not;

+when YOU gave me these ears,
i heared YOU not;

+when YOU gave me these lips,
i kissed YOU not;

+when YOU gave me these feet,
i followed YOU not.....


i am now crying to YOU, not because i hate you, i am crying to YOU - to tell YOU, i am scared. i want the life of happiness, YOU have already given it to me, YOU have given me the chance to see the beauty of the world, YOU have given me the chance to have a good wife and two fine young boys..... can i now ask of YOU, to give me the chance to see my grandchildren from them?

(the narrative poem that i have composed at the park bench i give it the title "SEARCHING" - to those who will find consolation out of it... i dedicate it also to all of you)
posted by infraternam meam @ 1:57 PM  
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Name: infraternam meam
Home: Chicago, United States
About Me: I am now at the prime of my life and have been married for the past 25 years. Sickly at times, but wants to see the elixir vita, so that I will be able to see my grandchildren from my two boys.
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