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Monday, January 12, 2004


i will now be 56 years old this year--- i have seen the world in its vivid colors and have experienced the world in all its splendours and In all its darkness and frailties. my liFe has evolved into two worlds---- the world of my two sons. and the life i live as one with my wife---- we think as one and we act as one. that was the concordat of our union in marriage--- a marriage of one and thoughts of one --- and all going towards the life and upbringing of our two sons.

my eldest son will become 23 years old this february, and my youngest one will be 20 this january. both were born during the winter months , on harsh condition and bitter cold. my eldest son was born during the peak of the blizzard and my youngest son was born when there was an on going bitter cold wind. both boys was born and were called winter babies, but they have two different and distinct personality.

i have not seen them grow up and was not able to follow them growing up. when my eldest son was 10 years old--- i left him under the care of their mother and head on to work in japan for nearly ten years and during those period of time---- my youngest son was conceived and when i returned permanently to stay with them--- my eldest son was already 16years old and my youngest son is already 11 years of age. both was reared by their mother in my absence and i only see all of them once a year for a period of 12 days only.

now in my present age---- i looked back at the years i have missed wathcing over them when they were young. i was not the one who took my eldest son to the doctor when he fell from the slide in school when he was in grade school. i was not with my youngest son when he had a minor accident in school when he was in fourth grade. i missed all of those things----- i missed the fatherhood of responsibility and worries.

now it is talking its toll. my absence for nearly ten years of their formative years is taking its toll on me.

my eldest son became very mature so easily. he hold on to his dreams as he planned it to be. he took the challenges in life as he wanted it to be and as it comes into his life. he has been so frugal on so many things and very straight forward in his dealings with other people and school and with his love life---he was in control of things and he looks for enjoyment and friendship----not early commitments with a girl. he has already planned his visions in life and he already program the things that he wanted to do when he finishes his college studies and his masteral degrees. my son is my alter ego and my rock---- he is also my strong shoulder to cry on and to discuss my worries and lamentations in life. he is my theraphist and my counselor. my eldest son is also my confessor and most of all my mirror for all that is so opaque in my outlook in life. he just came to the house this evening while i was having tea and had a big pizza on hand with him. he just came from work---managing a pizzeria place in my neighborhood. he is now leaving on his own in his own apartment closer to his school. when he came to the house--- the first thing he did was asked me if i am okey and if my health is alright. he handed over the pizza that he brought and told me he will come over tomorrow to have lunch. my son told me he will go out tonite for a date with a new friend---not yet his girlfriend---just a girl and a friend. then while i was watching the television in the kitchen---he told me not to eat the pizza he brought cuz it is a little bit spicy and not good for my acidity problem. then he put his two hands on my shoulder----stooped down a little bit and asked me if everything is okey and alright with me. then he said to me..." i love you dad" then went upstairs to say hello to his mother. i was not even able to respond to him and tell him " i love him too". it did not come out----but deep inside me--it was there. i hope my eldest son felt the burning love i have for him.


my youngest son, came into the house as his brother is on his way out for a date. my youngest son was born during the peak of the winter months in january. i have been with him for five years only--until i went abroad to work. this boy is big and very robust --- physically and big for his age and heritage. he loves the outdoor and he has a strong will and strong conviction that is so challenging to the point that i cannot understand and cope up with it. he looks at life and its challenges---not as a challenge---but just a passing scene on his life as if it was part of scene in a movie that he does not know the ending. his way of life is nothing that is complicated---but rather a life that has to be implicated to so many things that at times it becomes a burden both for him and my self and his mom. he look at life as if the things that has happened and will happened are all already prepared and all planned and there is nothing he could do but to do a head on collision with it and then assess the damage later. his life is not a circle--but a sqaure, wherein a circle is contineoulsy circling until there is no more to circumnavigate and circle the entire axis---over and over and over again. he looks at life as four side wall of different measurements and each side has a different scenario that has to be faced and be challenged on a head on collision. it has to be one phase of the wall---one day at a time and one scene per chapter. he thinks of his life as not a man behind the wheels--but a man who will eventually make the wheels, then will be turning it--in the time of his choosing---in the cycle that he wanted. i was watching the television this evening after reading my book and he got a call from his friend at 2430 hrs. although it was only three blocks away from the house--- he wanted to use my car cuz there is again something wrong with his car. he will leave tomorrow for colorado springs to visit his friend. he borrowed my car--- with no promise of time--we no promise of when he will be back home. he was saying his thank you--while walking towards the stairs---reverbearating the echo of his thank you---in an old-- long hall way house of brick and pine wood. then when i was about to finish this entry ---he came back---took a quick shower, wrote down all the fon nos that i could contact him, aside from his cell fon, kissed me and said " i love you dad" and said to relay the message also to his mom who is already sleeping.


i always pray that i see their life of their choosing and the patterns that they have chosen and the dreams that they have chosen for themselves. i always wanted to tell them HOW MUCH I LOVE THEM--but time is always the essence---each of us has always a schedule to follow and an agenda to take. i wish they could be little boys again---so i could hold their hands and guide them where they wanted to go and choose their own clothes and buy things for them. i guess those wishes and dreams are all gone. HISTORY IS REAPEATING ITSELf.

posted by infraternam meam @ 2:52 AM  
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Name: infraternam meam
Home: Chicago, United States
About Me: I am now at the prime of my life and have been married for the past 25 years. Sickly at times, but wants to see the elixir vita, so that I will be able to see my grandchildren from my two boys.
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