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Saturday, April 24, 2004
(by Wendy Bristow)

Vive la Difference!

no two human beings will be exactly alike. so, when two individuals get togehter and decide to entwine their lives, they are bound to come up against differences. such as: He's a party animal and invites friends over all the time, but she can tolerate only so much human contact before she needs to crawl into a corner with a book. or , she needs clean sheets every day but he could sleep in a pit. DIFFERNCES are just that---. it doesnt mean the other one is right and the other one is wrong. there is a magic key to living your DIFFERENCES----COMMUNICATE. if you talk about the things that both of you likes and dislikes, your wants and your needs, you can understand with them and work with them, not against them.

Think before you speak

something that helps enormously in any relationships is the art of reflecting: that is, reflecting on your behaviour and pondering your other halfs. REFLECTING means thinking about what you do and why you do it, and the first rule of REFLECTING is that you know how to take responsibility. BLAME keeps us stuck--- and robs us of possibility of change. once you're aware of what you're doing and how you're behaving, you can choose to make changes if you like. but if you're not aware, you'r on autopilot and nothing will ever alter.

Speak Up!

when you withold information, its because you're afraid, like as if she or he won't love me anymore, or if she or he knows i've made a mistake and am therefore not perfect. LOVE IS EDUCATING THE OTHER PERSON AS TO WHO YOU ARE. intimacy works both ways, and you're never going to be loved for your real imperfect self if you're holding soemthing back. if you think you are holding, try to releasing tiny, bit by bit. if you think your partner is holding back, don't nag. use lots of reassurances and lead by example.

Sack the Private Eye

don't expect your partner to play detective. the "if you loved me, you'd understand me without my having to tell you what's going on".it's a game anxious people play to test their partners. but partners get confused , angry or just plain bored with it.

Sweat the Big Stuff up Front

discuss about marriage, it you are not yet married, or children, if you still dont have children and also money matters. have a serious discussion about those topics.


know that you cannot change another person. you can, however change your own behaviour and when you do, the dynamics alter. DETACHING---- taking the focus off trying to change your partner and working your own options for living with the situation--- always improves things.

Take out the Bad Words

be careful not to use any superior sounding words or statements. eliminate the words "always" and "never" from your vocabulary, and throw out "should". its best to say:"i'd like to take this ---- or i'd like to do this". in psychology known as "transactional analysis" the word "you should have....." is known as "cirtical parent".

Don't Assume

one of the biggest mistakes we make in any communication, whether with our partner or our assitant who got the order of the sandwich wrong is to assume. it's better to ask lots of questions that to make lots of assumpations. remember that assumptions easily turn into accusations and certainly create mistunderstandings.


sarcasm, interrupting or belittling your aprtner especially in public or in private placxes, shouting and obviously any form of violence are most defintiely out if you want to live happily ever after.


does your partner criticize you in public? does he or she says things in private that you'd never put up with from someone else?if he/she says somethings that are unacceptable, make it clear you're not buying it or standing for it.Criticism works on a relationshop like a rust on a car. it erodes love and trust and all those good things until the whole things falls apart and you dont want it.

The Key to Happiness

the CRUX to dealing with conflict---- and future happiness---- is RESOLVE the anger. all the experts agree that couples get in trouble when they have the same old argument over and over and nothing ever changes. you need to negotiate and agree on a course of action that will ensure the problem won't arise again or that will make you deal with it differently. tha't how the problems gets resolve.
posted by infraternam meam @ 4:31 AM  
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Name: infraternam meam
Home: Chicago, United States
About Me: I am now at the prime of my life and have been married for the past 25 years. Sickly at times, but wants to see the elixir vita, so that I will be able to see my grandchildren from my two boys.
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