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Monday, November 22, 2004
ALEXANDER THE GREAT: He rallied the Greeks and made the entire ancient world his bitch. Now the man from Macedonia conquers the big screen.
(by Paul Bibeau from MAXXIMMAG)


356 B.C. Macedonia: Alexander is born.as a child, he sleeps with The Iliad under his pillow at night.

335 B.C. Attack on Pelium: Barely old enough to drink, Alexander whips his cousins the Ilyrians. He skips the family reunion to avoid flak forputting
his Uncle Nikos on a spit.

334 B.C. While crossing the Hellespont into Persia,he chucks his spear at the beach.

Battle of Granicus: Alexander is outnumbered two to one by the Persian cavalry. Eight of Persia's top commanders are killed ( two commit suicide for shame)
Alexander sustains a major head wound but is rescued by his officer. Cleitus the Black.

333 B.C. Gordium: Towns show Alexander a wagon tied
with an intricate Turkish knot, saying whoever unties it will rule Asia. He chops it in half.

Battle of Issus: Hopelessly out numbered, Alexander flays Persian King Darius' forces in less than an hour. Darius flees, then Alexander captures
his family and puts the moves on his wife.

332 B.C. Alexander is crowned Pharoah of Egypt in Memphis.

331 B.C. At the oasis of Siwah, the oracle of the God Amon, supposedly tells Alexander he's the son of Zeus.

Battle of Gaugamela: Alexander oversleeps and almost missed the fight, but wakes up in time to bitch-slap King Darius again.

330 B.C. Alexander storms the Persian Gates, defeats Darius'last forces, and torches Xerxes palace in Persepolis.

329 B.C. Alexander crosses the Hindu Kush into Central Asia.

328 B.C. Alexander splits up his army to quash rebellions
in Central Asia. While drunk in the Royal tent, he caps,Cleitus the Black-- who save his life.

326 B.C. Alexander faces Indian King Porus, at Hydaspes.
Porus army includes 200 war elephants, but Alexander gets him to divide his forces and whips him. Afterwards,Alexanders' men refuses to fight anymore.

325 B.C. Reaching fun and sun in the Arabian coast, Alexander gives his men a break ... by marching them through Persia's Gedrosian desert.

324 B.C. At Ectabana, a city in western Persia, Alexander's special friend Hepaestion dies.

323 B.C. Alexander becomes sick while crossing western Babylon(Iraq) and dies 10 days later from a mysterious illness.

After Alexander died, his empire split into the realms, buthe had unified the currency and made Greek the common language, paving the way for Greek culture, the Roman Empire, Christianity, Western civilization .

CITIESAlexander founder more than 17 cities, including Alexandria, Egypt, Al-Iskandariya, Iraq, Afghanistan.


Alexander was the first commander to use the siege train---with towers, battering rams and bridges. According to legend, he invented the catapult. His father actually invented the phalanx-- a tactic of massing ranks of soldiers so their shields overlapped and their spears were brutally close together-- bu Alexander perfected it by practicing on almost the entire known world.

His campaigns caused the first major economic boom, as the riches of sacked kingdoms were melted down and put into circulation, and trade routes, from Asia to Europe opened.

A year before Alexander's death, he gave a speech at Opis, infront of 9,000 men, describing how the world should be govrned by universal law.

He brought the Egyptian custom to the West after fobidding his troops to have beards.

Many believe the game is based on his battke plan against the Hindus in 326 B.C., and that the pieces stand for units likes elephants, chariots and infantry.

He made it look cool.

Separating the man from the myth, one oiled-up boy at a time.

Was he as gay as a day in May?
He had a "Close Relationship" with his lifelong companion Hepaestion, and historians assume they went beyond.

Where was he buried?
Alexandria, Egypt, where fans flocked to his tombs for centuries before it was lost. Roman emperors loved visiting; Caligula stole his armor, and Augustus even kissed his dead nose, which promptly fell off.

Who the hell are the Macedonians?
There are actually two Macedonias, side by side. One is a province of modern day Greece, the other an independent republic that split from Yugoslavia in 1991. Each side claims the name.

Is he on the deck of cards?
Historians say the kings represent antiquity's four great kings: David (spades); Charlemagne (hearts); Caesar (diamonds); and Alexander (clubs). Clubs are the bottom ranked suit, so Alexander at last gets to fulfill his submission fantasies.

Is he in the Koran?
Probably. The 18th Surah, titled "The Cave" refers to a Dhul-Qamain (assumed to be Alexander) and says, "he's an instrument of God to punish the wicked and reward the just".

How'd he die? Was he murdered?
Historians suggests poisoning, syphilis.
posted by infraternam meam @ 3:06 AM  
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