IN FRATERNAM MEAM: ASSORTMENT OF OLD WIVES' TALES

IN FRATERNAM MEAM

Wednesday, February 15, 2006

ASSORTMENT OF OLD WIVES' TALES

You Can Catch VD from a Toilet Seat.
Sexually Transmitted Diseases (STDs) received this name precisely because they are transmitted throught sexual contact. The list of STDs includes syphillis, gonorrhea, genital herpes,chlamydia, and HIV. Although the bodily fluids of an infected person can theoretically carry STD bacteria or viruses, most of these germs have an exceedingly short survival rate when exposed to light, heat, or air. Therefore, the chance of catching anything from a toilet seat is nonexistent - unless, of course, that's where you had sex. And you can't "get infected" by swimming in the same pool as someone who is infected, as long as the chlorine concentration is at least 1.5 parts-per-million; in the open sea, the sun and the salt essentially counteract the risk. Likewise, you know that girl everybody heard about in school who sued the pool owner because she got pregnant by swimming near a boy who ejaculated in the water? It did'nt happen at least, not in the pool.

The Shortest Distance Between Two Points Is a Staight Line.
Thhe shortest distance between two points is a straight line only in teh abstract world of plane (Euclidean) geometry. As any airline pilot knows, a curved line is a always the shortest distance between two points on the curved globe, such as London and New York, where the "Great Circle Route" adds the third dimension to Euclid's postulate. In teh 1960s, a third mathematical theorem was offered by this highly respected scholarly journal, MAD magazine. "The shortest distance between two points is a taxi".

He Drinks Like a Fish.
Although it looks as though they are constantly swallowing water, fish don't drink. They absorb any water they need from the food they eat. The mouth action is to force water over their gills, where oxygen is extracted so they can breathe. In any event, fish certainly "don't drink"in the sense of consuming alcohol.

Every Cloud Has a Silver Lining.
This refers, of course to being optimistic, not to a meteorological phenomenon. Taken with sayings as "It's always darkest just before the dawn" and "Put on a happy face." it means that one should always try to find something good in a bad situation. Before this starts tos ound like a sermon, remember that "everyone loves a winner" and, human nature being what it is, nobody wants to hang around a loser. A positive attitude may hide the sad truth, but being upbeat is contagious and helps to provide emotional relief.

Don't Swim for an Hour after Eating.
For about an hour after eating, the body focuses its energy on digesting the meal; the blood goes to the stomach, the energy supply dips, and the metabolism thinks food. But this has nothing to do with the dreaded "stomach cramps" that every mother warns her child about. There is no such thing as a stomch cramp. And there is no connection to a muscle cramp that may, indeed, endagner a swimmer. Most likely, Mom just does'nt want you to blow lunch.

Breakfast like a King, Lunch like a Knave, Dinner like a Pauper.
The days of eating " healthy breakfast with one item from each of the four basic food groups" are over. On the other side of the plate, Pop Tarts don't cut it either. Stiff, eating something in the morning cuts the hunger and provides enough energy to make it through the first part of the day. Most agree that school children who are denied breakfast have trouble concentrating, lack energy, and fall behind in their studies.
On the other hand, if you eat a big meal late at night, you fell sluggish and gain weight because there's not enough time to work off the calories before bed. What's a body to do?
That's how the expression, "Breakfast like a king (large), lunch likee a knave(mediunm), and dinner like a pauper(small)" came about. The theory is to eat when you need the energy and practically fast when you donot. Informal diest advice adds that you should never eat after 8:00PM That gives your metabolism four hours to work before you hit the sack.

Marijuana Leads to Heroin.
There are many variables which come into play when an individual takes drugs; pain, peer pressure, depression, finacial ability, medical necessity, and of course, opportunity. Smoking one marijuana cigarette today won't lead to shooting heroin tomorrow, although the people with whome one associates -- and the conviviality in doing so - may make further experimentation attractive. Once you're already in a restaurant, as the saying goes, why not try the whole meny? On the other hand, nobody can force you to eat Brussels sprouts.
Society has long held that a drug is a drug is a drug, even if the legal inconsistency borders on hypocritical. The two most addictive drugs in the arsenal - alcohol and nicotine - are widely available and culturally accepted, even encouraged through advertising. Indeed, a frequent argument is that more people (politicians, the police, lawyers and the prison industry, not to mention the drug dealers) benefits from the drug problem than from preventive drug education.

Dogs Don't Sweat.
Of course, dogs sweat. You would, too, if you had to wear a fur coat in hot weather. Dogs excrete moisture through the pads on their paws. Any excess moisture (not "Sweat", although it sure smells as bad) leaved Fido's body through his mouth in the form of vapor and a slobbering, wet tongue. That's why dogs pant so much in hot weather).

Gout Is Caused by Eating Too Much Rich Food.
Gout is an inflammation of the joints (frequently the big toe). It is not caused by righ food, although its actual casue is not definitely known. What is known is that gout is crystalline deposit of purines stemming from an excess uric acid in the blood. Caffeine may also be involved. If eating rcih foods or consuming alcohol causes an individuals' metabolism to produce uric acid, that acid might exacerbate an existing condition, but it's after the fact. The image of an old man, hid gouty foot wrapped in bandages, banging into walls and screaming in pain may have been mainstay of silent comedies. But it certainly is not funny to those who suffer from the affliction.

People Go Nuts During a Full Moon.
According to journalist Paul Katzeff in Full Moons, there is some truth to this asserion, although scientists differ in their explanations. The murder rate does spike during lunar fullness, but so does romance. The birthrate rises slightly during the full Moon, but so does female ovulation. The word Lunacy, meaning insanity, derives from the Latin words luna/lunaris, for the Moon. Anecdotes hours, 44 minutes, and 3 seconds when it glows full in the sky. Emergency room personnel and paramedics report that their business picks up during the full Moon, and supervisors in psychiatric institutions also insists that their patients grow restive at those times. There may be some chicken-and-eggism going on here. Do people act differetnly during the full Moon, or does the full Moon serve as a convenient timing device to peg behavior that goes on all the time? If the brightness of a full Moon keeps light-sensitive people from sleeping, their behavior may well be affected. Some people insist that the gravitational pull of the Moon and the Sun on Earth's tides also affects the human body, which is "98 percent water". On this point, the jury of scientific research is still out, but collective mind is finally looking into quantifying what the average nonscientist has "known" all along.

Middle Children Are Ignored, so They Grow Up More Independent.
In a family of three children, the firstborn is egocentric, teh third born is the perennial baby, and the secondborn learns to be independent because nobody pays any attention to her. Right? The firstborn is insecure at having been pushed aside by the secondborn, who then gets all the attention. The the thirdborn becomes the independent one, because everybody is still paying attention to the first two, Or maybe, the firstborn is the independent one. She helps raise the secondborn and teaches him how to raise the thirdborn when the time comes. No,wait!. Maybe all three get together and form a singing group. Studies of the psychological effects of birth order are as varied as teh personalities of the subjects they try to analyze, and just as irregular, Many other factors contribute to a child's personality - for example, the age of the parents, the stability of the marriage, the socioeconomic circumstances, and the years separting the siblings arrivals. The only thing that can be proved beyond a doubt is that, in a family with three children, teh firstborn will be the oldest.

(Abstracted from the book:TALL TALES, LEGENDS, AND OUTRAGEOUS LIES B0OK by: Nat Segaloff)

posted by infraternam meam @ 3:40 AM

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