IN FRATERNAM MEAM

IN FRATERNAM MEAM

Thursday, March 11, 2004

LAMENTATION OF A FATHER ON HIS TWO AMERICAN BORN SONS
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my eldest son, just celebrated his 23rd birthday this feb of this year, and my youngest son celebrated his 20th birthday jan. of this year. I LOVE THEM BOTH....THEY ARE EXTENSION OF MY LIFE.(MY WIFE IS THE SOUL OF MY LIFE). without all these components in my life--- i will be nothing.

i am now coming to a point in my life that i am longing to have little kids inside the house. my eldest son has already decided to live on his own and rented an apartment away from us. he is now living with his two friends at the downton area of chicago, closer to his school.

my youngest son---- although staying with me, i hardly see him. he lives at the basement and has his own access to the house without me knowing if he is in or out of the house. he told me also eventually he is moving out of the house.

both boys are now in college--- my ledest son now on his fifth year in college and said he plans to study for a masteral degree. my eldest son wants to be in the world market and in world business and trade, while my youngest son who is now on his first year in college, wanted to be a chef de'Parte and eventually puts up his own restaurant or become a sous chef' in a hotel.

one time, when i was able to have the rare opportunity to have my two boys at home for dinner on one of my rare days off from work--- we talked about them having their own family in the future and me becoming a grandfather. the conversation went on and on---me asking my eldest son when will he get married. he told me he will not get married until he is stable enough to raise a family and that he told me will be when he is 29 years old. same thing with the youngest son of mine. as usual--- i was trying to make them feel guilty telling both of them that i might not be able to see my grandchildren from both of them. my eldest son--who is always demonstrative of his affection and love --hug me and told me , "don't worry old man--- you will live longer and see them".

i had a lump on my throat. i was asking both of them if there is a chance that i can have a daughter in law from the Phils.--- but both told me that they are too CAUCASIAN and cannot comprehend and understand Pinays from back home, especially if they come from the OLD SCHOOL. my eldest son was telling me-- he does not have anything against the Pinays, but he really cannot comprehend any more the characters and the traits of Pinays back home. his younger brother seconded the motion. both of them was telling me, that we live in an all white community, they have been with all whites ever since they could remember and even if they have two Pinay class mates in high school, they are also too caucasian in character and all. my sons was telling me that they dont have any pinay classmates in college also.

i think i will end up having daughter in laws from a different culture.

now--- as i aged and so does the boys--- we rarely see each other. i come home at 3am everyday and when i come home--- i walk slowly and sleep at the guest room so that i will not wake my wife up cuz she has to wake up at 4:30Am and goes to work and take the train to downtown chicago by 5:30am. when i open up my eyes the next morning, i am all by myself and my dog in this big house which eventually will be very lonely when my youngest son also leave and take his own apartment.

i wanted to stop my boys from leaving--- but i cannot. i dont want to be a hindrance to all their plans in life--- to all their ambitions and to all their aspirations in life on their own. deep inside me, i don't want to let them go--- but i cannot. this is their culture and this is how they were raised up. me and my wife will eventually sell this big house and live in a small condo when we retire.

WHY CAN'T I NOT HANG ON TO MY TWO SONS??? WHY CAN'T I NOT HUG THEM ANYMORE LIKE BEFORE.?

I AM LOOSING MY SONS AND THEY ARE BEGINNING TO BE A MEMORY TO ME. I WANTED TO PULL BACK THE TIME AND HAVE THEM WITH ME AGAIN. I WAS BLAMING MYSELF BECAUSE I ACCEPTED AN OVERSEAS JOB FOR TEN YEARS AND MISSED MY BOYS GROWING UP. I CANNOT PULL BACK THE TIME--- I CANNOT HOLD THE TIME ON A STAND STILL.

OH GOD---- I MISS MY TWO BOYS VERY MUCH.

posted by infraternam meam @ 4:09 AM

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