| Sunday, February 06, 2005
| HOW WE GOT....VALENTINE'S DAY
|Dawn of Man
Eve says to Adam, "If you really loved me,
you'd eat from this apple," Adam is the first
man to learn a lesson: Women cause problem.
Cro-Magnon man offers Cro Magnon woman a
romantic fistful of mammoth intestines.
Then they do it sabertooth-style.
Sugar is discovered in India by the Persians,
paving the way for gifts that are less expensive
than iron, bronze or necklaces.
The ancient Olmecs begin growing cocoa in Mexico.
Initially using it in religious ceremonies,
Olmecs men soon discover it to be a fast
acting conjugal stimulants.
Lovers gather every Valentines's Day to exchange
festering buboes and bouquets of filth and clank
cast iron chastity belts against each other.
Pope Gelasius I invents Valentine's Day, then
tries to no avail, to cannonize the patron saints
of insincere sentiments, false description of
Catholic priest and martyr Valentine secretly weds
hundreds of couples from his prison cell during a
Roman ban on marriages. Less is known about Valentine's
relatiohsip with his cell mates, a 350 pound wine
bootlegger who called himself Bubbus.
The book "the Golden Ass" introduces Cupid,
a fluttering fatso with love inducing arrows
and an infant's dinky.
For lovesick poets and their quivering quills,
February 14th was also believed to be the onset
of the mating season for pretty birs.
Handcrafted greeting cards become widespread
in Britain. By century's end, mass production
and cheap postage lead to printed Valentine's
Day card, which in turn leads to yet another
holiday the world's men would forget.
Giovanni Casanova was born. He spends a lifetime
debasing countless women, confirming that one
does'nt need to pay for sex with frilly boxes
of candy. One need only have a lot of money,
an Italian name and a desire to die alone
Daniel Chase invents Sweethearts Conversation
Hearts. Man's quest for a rocklike flavorless
confection emblazoned with slogans comes to
its half won conclusion.
Iran's Ayatollah Khomeini delivers Salman Rushdie
one of the history's touching Valentine's
$2.8 million bounty on his life for writing
"The Satanic Verses".
The Saint Valentine's Day Massacre: Al Capone's
love letter to rival "Bugs" Malone. Nothing says
"B mine!" like kissing your enemy's best men with
J.C. Hall founder of Hallmark, sells his first
greeting cards in Kansas City, Missouri.
After almost a century, we still pay his
heirs to print the banal, cliched sentiments
we don't have the creativity or energy to come
up with ourselves.
Millions of American schoolchildren exchange
cheap cartoon-character themed Valentines with everyone.
The Greeting Card Association claims that Valentine's
Day is the biggest holiday of the yar after Christmas,
with a billion cards sent. It also claims that women
buy 85 percent of all valetines.
(abstracted from MAXIMONLINE.COM)
|posted by infraternam meam @ 2:25 PM