IN FRATERNAM MEAM: SO MANY THINGS TO DO, TOO SHORT OF TIME TO UNDERTAKE

IN FRATERNAM MEAM

Tuesday, May 10, 2005

SO MANY THINGS TO DO, TOO SHORT OF TIME TO UNDERTAKE

THE GREAT OUTLOOK IN LIFE:

I was driving this morning from work at around 0330hrs, and I took the longer route to the house. I have seen my neuro and we have talked for a long time regarding my illness. He told me that he got the MRI report and there was no TUMOR in my brain. He said that was the good part of the news regarding my medical status. But--- when he mentioned the word BUT-- I know I have to be scared. My doctor cautioned me and said, it is not too serious, as I am thinking about, when he said BUT.

My right TRIGEMINAL NEURALGIA, is not that good. The Neuralgia is so fragile now and this will be giving me plenty of problems and pain. I was given a special medication to take care of the pain and problem that I am always encountering, especially at night. I have to take two orange capsules, three times a day. It is making me drowsy, but I have learn how to cope with it now--- because I have to work and even at work, I feel drowsy.And then a specail mouth guard has been ordered made for me, to ease the nerve pain from my jawbone at night so that I could at least go to sleep.

A GREAT OUTLOOK IN LIFE--- so said by my Neuro. He said, there are lots of things to look forward into, even if I have this rare illness that is affecting the nerve.

Do I have to be happy about it --- I really don't know. Because I will be in pain for the rest of my earthly life and it only eases a little bit, when I have taken the orange capsules. But when the effect of the medication is over, the pain strikes again.I was given pills, to make me fall asleep at night, but it does not do me any good--- the pain comes and when it comes, it is very painful.

MY PAIN IS NOTHING, COMPARED TO MY YOUNGER BROTHER'S PAIN.

I was in tears while I was driving home. Feeling sorry for my self, asking why do I have to have such pain in my life. I am now in the midyear of my life and then this suffering has come and I cannot take it.

But then it hit me-- my pain, compared to my youngest brother's pain who is back home, is nothing. His cancer had a remission and then it returned back, more worst that ever. It is now in his spine. Another CHEMO is being done. He is now bed ridden, and never whine and complain about his pain.

One of my cousin just returned back from the Phils. and have seen my younger brother, and he was telling me that my brother told him:

"I am just waiting for myself to die".

Very strong words, but very moving words. I wish I have the courage and the bravery of my younger brother on this pain that he is suffering. Mother can only at times see the pain of my younger brother when it hits her. But most of the time, she just looks into the abyss, said my younger sister who is with my parents. Mother is on her first stage of her Alzheimers. She has also her pain, but she is like a little child at times, becuase her pain is inside her, looking at the suffering of my younger brother and she always keep it to herself.

Father, always tells me when I call home, that he always pray that my younger brother survive his ordeal and his illness. My father has strong convictions and very religious. I cannot blame him, nor will I ever let him think otherwise. He survived his ordeals during the war, I am sure he knows how it is to survive on the brink of death.

I get scared when the phone rings late night or very early morning. I always dread bad news will come from home, telling me about my brother. I hope I am prepared when it comes.

Then I realized, while I was driving, that I was crying and it was blinding me while I am driving, so I have to stop on the side of the road.

SO MANY THINGS TO DO .... TOO SHORT OF TIME TO UNDERTAKE.

posted by infraternam meam @ 1:31 AM

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