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IN FRATERNAM MEAM
Wednesday, December 29, 2004
LIES YOUR MOMMY TOLD YOU......
LIE
Drinking coffee sobers you up.
The real deal:

The java cure is dangerous jive.
Did happy hour last till closing time again?
Gulp an espresso, if you like, but don't believe it'll
set you straight. Though the caffeine may wake you up,
it has a negligible effect on blood alcohol level and won't
improve your booze-impaired motor skills. The false sense of
alerntness may even fool you into doing something really stupid,
like driving or dialing up your ex. Luckily Starbucks also offers,
those comely couches.
*****

LIE
Big shoes equal big schlong
The real deal:

Size 14 loafers may qualify you for a clown act, but not a porn flick.
The feet matches-meat myth wrapping his equipment in pelts, leaving
horny cave women to gossip about a guy appendage they could still see.
Feel no shame, size six wearers! In 2002, researchers at Univeristy
College of London measured the poles and soles of 104 men, from teens
to retirees, and found no evidence linking foot and penis length.
Caveat: Only limp, "gently stretched" penises were measured.
Apparently, science won't go to any length to settle this issue.
*****

LIE
Men reach their sexual peak 15 to 20 years
before women do.
The real deal:

Oh...oh...that feels so wrong! Despite compelling evidence
presented by the Graduate and Stifler's mom, the fact is that
by their late teens,men and women both peak in regard to
physiological factors, such as hormone levels and ease of arousal,
"But because of societal pressures in our culture, women often feel
less comfortable and are less capable or orgasm in younger years,"
explains Sandor Gardos, PhD,, a sex therapist and the CEO of adult
product and information site MyPleasure.com "the sexual peak myth
probably derives from women in their mid-30's finally saying,
"To hell with it, I'm going to enjoy myself". Hence your mother's
success in the schisse film industry.
*****

LIE
Going out in the cold causes colds.
The real deal:

Finally, a cure for this common quackery. "You're going
out without a coat? Youl'll catch a cold"! Actually,
Mother dear, you'll nag us to death before we get sick
shoveling snow in a Speedo. Studies funded by the
National Institute of Allergy and Infectiuos Diseases
reveal that exposure to cold weather has little or no
effect on cold suceptibility. Despite its name, the common
cold is cause by numeorous viruses, not temperature.
You catch a cold when a virus is deposited into your nasal
passages by droplets from coughs and sneezes or your own
contaminated fingers. (Although you may feel stuffed up when
you go from your warm house to the cold outdoors, this is
because your nasal membranes swell from contact with cold air;
this stuffiness then briefly becomes a runnuy nose when esposed
to warm air, but it's not a cold.) So why do colds, spread
like crazy in winter? Because rug rats are locked up in germ
factory schools and adults spend more time indoor, where
infection thrives.
*****

LIE
Smoking marijuana will make you sterile
The real deal
:
More reefer madness. If pot causes sterility,how could there
be any little Rastafarians running around? Yes, some lab studies
have indicated that marijuana use temporarily hinders performace
(for the record, so does alcohol) but there has been no proven
link to actual weed-fiend infertility. That said, illegal drugs
arent' tested nearly as often as we'd like, and so couples,
having difficulty conceiving, doctors often suggest putting
the ganja away. After all it's tough to make a baby if you can't
stop watching the SpongeBob Square Pants marathon.
*****

LIE
Dogs only see in black and white.
The real deal:

Only if Roper is humping a Dalmatian. Though your best
friend's keen sense of smell is equally vital to navigating
his ass perfumed world, cannine vision isn't limited to
the colors of an Oreo. "Dogs are color blind compared to
humans, but they don't see only in black and white,"
explains Diane Hendrix, associate professor of veterinary
ophthalmology at the University of Tennessee. "Dog eye contains
only two kinds of cones, which actually see in yellow and blue.
In other words, dogs are red-green color blind, as in the case
with many human men. "great-- as if we needed another excuse
for running stoplights.
*****

LIE
You should brush your teeth after every meal.
The real deal:

Smile, you need dentures! Acidic foods soften tooth enamel,
so if you dash for the Pepsodent after every glass of O.J.
instead of letting your saliva naturally neutralize the acid,
you could actually erode that hard layer and open the door to
--- your third grade health film--Mr Tooth Decay.
(You're better off brushng before meals) Furthermore, recent
periodontal research shows that electric, and hard bristled
tooth brushes are causing people to scrub their teeth and gums
too enthusiastically, whcih can result in sensitivity, gum
recession,and general chopper funk. Instead, use a soft brush
and rinse out before the two minute mark. Or just move to England.
*****

LIE
You can catch VD from a toilet seat.
The real deal:

Well, it's highly unlikely, No, there's no reason
to emulate those germphobic gals who build Charmin
bird's nests on public toilet seats. According to
spokesperson for the Center for Disease Control,
"There are no documented cases of contact with toilet seat."
So that's settled. Except... the CDC admits, "More research
may be needed to say it is completely impossible". And consider
this: Though gonorrhea, chlamydia, and syphillis bacteria die
quickly outise the body--- ad does HIV--- studies show that
the secretion from an open herpes sore can survive outsde
the body for up to four hours. So, theoretically, herpes
micriorganisms on a toilet seat could be passed along to
another squatter who has a sore or break in the skin.
But that's strictly theoreticdal. Yep, next to impossible.
Pass another roll of paper there.

(abstracted from MAXIMMAG by Steve Russell/MAXIMONLINE.COM)
posted by infraternam meam @ 4:17 AM  
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Name: infraternam meam
Home: Chicago, United States
About Me: I am now at the prime of my life and have been married for the past 25 years. Sickly at times, but wants to see the elixir vita, so that I will be able to see my grandchildren from my two boys.
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